Get a detox - chapter 8

I woke up Tuesday morning in an ambivalent frame of mind.  It was early - 5.45am - the bed was warm and comfortable and as I stretched out I lazily ran my hands over my torso and knew without doubt that the Mrs-blubber-fat-suit was on the way out.  The was still an inch to pinch, but it was going south fast.  My whole body felt lighter, more supple, and just, healthier.  Today was the last day of the detox and I realised I would miss the easiness of the routine and cheapness of my shopping bill.  Cabbage is not expensive at all.   I realised that I actually like brown rice.  No coffee, no chocolate, no gluten, no diary. It had all contributed to feeling brighter, more energised, just.....more happy.  I knew it really, but it brought home to me how easy it is to fall into the trap of 'treats', aka booze, chocolate, fried stuff which does make us feel better but only for an instant.  I really did feel good and I wanted to keep that feeling going.

I sat down to my fruit for breakfast with a slight pang, hoping I wouldn't fall out of these good habits I had got myself into in just a week, too quickly.  At lunch I heaped my plate with the freshest, crunchiest, brightest salad and vegetables I could find.  I had a little houmous and gluten free pitta as a celebration.  I toasted myself with apricot juice.  After lunch I took a critical appraisal of myself in the mirror.  Was I kidding myself? Was this all just a bit of media brainwashing. Had I been sucked into some advertising hype by the fact of ensuing middle age?  There is no scientific evidence that suggests detoxing makes any difference at all.  Even being bright enough to have an MBA and having (almost finished) a PhD, had I just been dupped?

I learnt forward, closer.  I turned the centre light on in the room, I took the mirror to the window.  I would not run away, I would not pretend.  I was not scared to face the truth.  And the truth is that my skin DID look better, clearer, brighter.  The hoods of skin which I had seen starting to form over my eye lids in the last few years had receded and almost disappeared, the whites of my eyes sparkled.  I took a step back and noticed my waist seemed slimmer, my tummy smaller.  I looked good and I felt good.

Get a detox - chapter 7

By Sunday I was on countdown to £10 Tuesday at East Restaurant in Peterborough which would signal the end of my self-imposed pizza and chip exile.  Monday proved to be an easy day to contend with - lunch at Yashin Sushi Restaurant just off Kensington High Street was a treat. Sitting at the sushi bar watching the chefs work, smiling as they greeted each new customer with a rousing Japanese welcome and revelling in the taste sensations of market fresh fish and seafood was no hardship at all.  I drank water and felt as clean and fresh as the green herb sorbet they served to finish.  It was an effort to drag myself away.  Flexing my Amex down the Kings Road had been my primary intention but instead I decided to head north up to Marylebone highstreet and taking advantage of the dry weather I decided to stroll.  Up Kensington High Street I went, pass McDonalds (I had just a split-second pang for a Chicken Legend) and turned left up into Kensington Palace gardens which is a beautiful wide boulevard built about 130 years ago on some of the kitchen gardens of the palace.  Boy, they must have grown a lot of vegetables.  Nowadays grand buildings house foreign embassies and about half way down is the Russian Federation Embassy.  It has a magnificent wooden door that would easily be at home on an  average cathedral and I decided to stop and admire it.  Pushing my face up against the railing of the gate I gazed at it, taking in the beautiful carvings and metal stud work.  It brought to mind the several times I had worked in Moscow and without thinking I started to run through various Russian phrases and words in my head.  I felt my lips moving along with my thoughts.   Out of the corner of my eye, I caught something moving and turning my head I realised I was being watched, infact, I was being filmed. I pulled back embarrassed and sauntered off in what I hoped was a nonchalant manner. Who knows now if I will ever be allowed back to Moscow.

I was up in London mainly to watch a BBC R4 programme called the Philosophers Arms being recorded at the Exmouth Arms which is a pub about a five minute walk from Euston.  Having had a minor detour into a shoe shop on Marylebone High Street and made a purchase, I at least felt I had fulfilled that part of my souls desire.  Black leather boots with killer heels - I don't care what anyone says, there is no such thing as too many pairs of shoes.  Or boots for that matter. Stopping at a juice bar nearly at the top of the high street I took one boot out of the box to admire it.  I gently cradled it in my arms, and pushing my nose against the leg inhaled the glorious scent of new leather.  So I looked odd.  But this is London, and nobody even noticed.  Sighing to myself I planned for their first night out.  It was like having a new love.  The carrot, apple and beetroot detox juice was pretty good too.

Get a Detox - Chapter 6

One of the very pleasant side-effects of the detox is that because one's food intake is reduced and so is your alcohol and coffee intake, you sleep rather well and then when you wake up, early, there is just a moment whilst you lay there, inanimate, waiting for the vino headache to kick in, until you realise that it won't.  This gets you kind of jiggling about with happiness to the point that your cat thinks you are having a seizure. 

I need to take you back to last Friday night, the question of whether my halo slipped and an answer to the current key question - is a detox worth it?

Yes, my halo did slip, but only slightly.  Being a pragmatic gal, I decided that a night out in town with a group of pals at a joint well known for its well-kept ales, the chances of me remaining tee-total were  limited. So I decided, for one night only, to lower the bar and allow myself a couple of pints of something nice.  And having decided that, it made getting ready to go out a whole new experience.  The idea of a beer suddenly became a real treat, something that made me sing along to the radio and have the odd little funky dance in anticipation. 

When I got to the bar I  was in a quandary over what to order. So many choices but such a little allowance. On a Friday night out it wouldn't be unknown to have five pints. Having to choose one pint as 50% of my quota became a major decision making process.  I studied each beer pump in turn and then studied them again.  Lorraine, said Helen, make your mind up or you'll have to buy your own.  So I did, and every drop that passed my lips was like nectar.  And surprisingly after two pints, I had had enough.  Vive le detox.  It had curbed my appetite for alcohol!  At least temporarily........

Get a Detox - Chapter 5

Well that's very interesting.  I sat yesterday evening in the pub with friends waiting for the weekly quiz to start and watched them eat fish and chips The slight revelation is that I felt no compulsion to join them.  Not even to steal a chip.  And that's without having eaten for nearly forty-eight hours.  I stuck to water too and watched with only a minor pang as they finished off a bottle of wine.  Maybe there is something in this detoxing after all.

This morning I feel right chipper.  I finished the liquid-only fast and treated myself to some fruit.  I am looking forward to my brown rice and vegetable lunch.  My skin looks smoother and clearer and my eyes are sparkling without the help of Optrex eye whitening drops.  I notice when I dress that I don't have quite such a muffin-top over my jeans.  I checked my weight and the scales said 65.5kg, again.  I am surprised about that.  Either my body is a bit weird or the scales are wrong, or both.  But I don't terribly care because I am feeling quite good and at the moment the world is alive and bopping about through rose-tinted lens.  This all might change a bit later though.

I have been invited on a night out with my girlfriends, down at the Brew Tap.  This will be much harder than last night as there will be a mammoth range of good beers on sale and I am rather partial to a good real ale. The conversation will flow and I think there will be dancing.  It will finish late.  My question is, will I manage to see the night through surviving only on sparkling mineral water?  I don't mind the restricted diet, I kind of like it actually because it takes a lot of the decision-making process out of dinner and creates not much washing up.  I can even live without the coffee and chocolate.  But the no-alcohol rule?  That's harder, much harder.

Watch out for tomorrow morning's update. 

Get a Detox - chapter 3

Today is D-Day. By that I mean Detox-Day, or Detox-Week in my case.  Over the next seven days I am banned from consuming foodstuffs which I cannot quite contemplate life without - there will be no chocolate, no coffee, no wine (yikes), no black tea, no white sugar.  I am not allowed anything cooked in oil, no meat, no wheat and no processed foods.  My fridge is going to look kind of bare.  I am one hour and fifty-five minutes into day 1 of the two-day liquid only fast and I am hungry already.  In filling the bird seed and peanut holders this morning, I had to restrain myself from taking a nibble.  It's going to be a long week.

What I AM allowed to consume over the first couple of days is filtered or mineral water -at least eight glasses with a twist of lemon (yee ha!), herbal tea and diluted unsweetened fruit juice.  For the following five days I have the delights of brown rice, vegetables and fruit.  And the veg is recommended to be of the cruciferous persuasion, that is brocolli; cabbage; kale and sprouts.  Everything that nature designed to increase the probability of inadvertently embarrasing you in company, if you know what I mean.  But don't knock it until you have tried it is my motto and having stood on the scales this morning, weighing in at a depressing 68.3kg (that's ten stone to you traditional types) I am happy to give this a try. The PR blurb guarantees "significant weight loss, or your money back, folks".  Scientific evidence suggests detoxing makes absolutely no difference.  Bring on the combat, that's what I say.  It also tells me that there may be side-effects including nausea.  I must admit that I am feeling sick already. But that's more about the fact I won't have wine for a week.  The upside is that I get to top and tail the detox with dinner at Ten Pound Tuesday at East Restaurant in Peterborough. By the way, it's NEVER Ten Pound Tuesday at East. Always seventeen pound Tuesday like last night or sixteen pound fifty Tuesday like the week before. But, let's not get picky, its a great restaurant with great food, and Tuesday evening is nearly always buzzing.  So, this is what is getting me through the next seven days - the prospect of a vastly expanded wardrobe and the prospect of a bottle of Tinpot.  Methinks I have not quite entered into the spirit of the detox yet.

The other side-effects mentioned also include fatique and difficulty concentrating but that just sounds like a normal day at the office.

So, where am at with this detox lark?  I am two cups in of Japanese Green Tea and one glass of water.  I have stood on the bathroom scales and depressed myself.  I have hidden the chocolate stash and the red wine.  And I am already feeling cratchety.  As I said earlier, its going to be a very, very, long seven days.

More on my detox adventure, later.